So I have this penny jar that's been sitting on my desk for years. Actually, it's not a penny jar, for it holds not pennies, and it is not a jar. It's a big, clear plastic bear that, when purchased at Costo many moons ago, was filled with chocolate graham cracker snacks. A good 40 cm tall and near as much wide, the bear sat next to my, a whole ripped in its blue plastic lid, accepting the errant one yen or five yen coin.
By now, the bear was nearly a quarter full, and it was time to cash out. The last time I took a large quantity of small change to the Fuji Bank branch downstairs, the teller batted not an eyelash. She dumped the contents into the counting machine, sorted through the various paperclips, screws, and canadian money that clogged its inner workings, and handed me a considerably smaller pile of change and some crisp, fresh bills.
But in the 21st century, things are different. The Fuji Bank branch is now, thanks to mega-mergers and bank 'reform', and Mizuho Bank branch. I'm fairly sure the teller is the same woman, but her uniform is now blue and red not green, and her first question upon seeing the bear and its contents was "Do you have an account here?" It seems that they are unable to conver the money into bills. They are, however, able to count it and deposit into my account, and then I can immediately withdraw said amount. Alas, I have no Mizuho Bank account.
So off to Hiroo Station I went.
First to Shinsei Bank. I love Shinsei, because they have strained the chunky, unnecessary bits of banking in Japan and distilled it into a smooth, clear broth of automatic, low-cost transactions. Shinsei doesn't do difficult, rare services like funky foreign denominations or complex payment schemes. And, alas, they also don't turn plastic bears full of change into bills. They do take small change deposits, but only as much as can fit into the ATM at one time.
So across the walkway I go to the Evil That is Citibank. With the attitude I have come to expect from the better-than-thee Citibank tellers, I was told straight up that they do not accept deposits of unknown amounts. If I count the change and fill out a deposit slip, they will verify the amount and, if it matches, deposit it in my account. The conversation went something like this:
Teller: How much do you wish to deposit?
Me: I have no idea. Can you count it please?
T: We can only deposit a known amount, otherwise you can claim to have been ripped off by the bank.
M: How can I claim to have been ripped off if I admit I have no idea how much money this is?
T: ...
M: OK, how about I write '2000 yen', then you count it and it's actually 5000 yen, so then I'll rewrite the -
T: If you write 2000 yen, we will count 2000 yen, deposit 2000 yen, and return the rest.
M: How about I write 10,000 yen, then you count it and it's actually 5000 ye-
T: If it does not total the amount you wrote, we cannot accept the deposit.
M: How about you just count it for me?
T: We do not provide money counting as a service.
M: How about you charge me 1% for such a service?
T: We do not provide money counting as a service. Japanese banks may choose to provide such a service...but Citibank does not.
M: Citibank is not a Japanese bank?
T: ...
M: You have been, as expected, most unhelpful.
T: Thank you for choosing Citibank.
So I walked across the street to the big Tokyo-Mitsubishi. They, like Mizuho, will only count and deposit the money into my account, assuming I had one...I finally went back to the office and got Koseki-san to take the money down to the post office, where they would, at their leisure, count the money and deposit it into his postal savings account.
Several hours later, Koseki-san left the empty plastic bear and an envelope full of 7902 yen on my desk.
Mission accomplished.
