Had our yearly sesshin at Tokei-in in Shizuoka this past weekend.
Small group this time, only 9 people. Was much quieter and a bit easier; fewer people to serve so the meals went quicker, and less cross-banter than we usually get with 20 people.
Saw some old faces and some new, and had a really zen moment:
Was drinking my tea out of my rice bowl at the end of dinner on Saturday, and I saw my reflection in the tea as I tilted the cup to take a drink.
"Aha!" I thought. "That is just a reflection of me...but I am just a reflection of it. We are both the real me. Dude, check me out I am ENLIGHTENED!"
And I was generally feeling quite full of myself for making such an intellectual connection with the universe and reality...and then I continued to tilt the bowl to sip the tea, and though I could still see myself reflected in the tea, as the bottom of the bowl came into view, I could see myself reflected there, too.
Now there were two reflections of me, plus me. That's three of me. Brain overload, Buddhist-ego crumbling, pre-conceived notions shattered, dominant paradigms subverted.
I almost cried...or at least got really, really scared and nervous for a second. Like I had just pulled that last thread holding the sweater together, and the whole thing just unravels.
But actually I just drank the tea, enjoying the warmth as is went down my throat, and got over it.
Showing posts with label zazen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label zazen. Show all posts
3 days of boring
3 days of boring
Originally uploaded by renfield
This was my home for the past 3 days -- this miserable little cushion. It is harder than it looks, and I mean that in both ways; it is difficult to sit on the damn thing and not just get up, put on my shoes, and go home. And it is filled with some combination of cotton batting and lead pellets or something.
Good things about doing a zen retreat at Tokei-in:
- Brad is as always simultaneously amusing, insightful, and goofy
- The food is surprisingly excellent, thanks to Kitamura-san
- Big tiled bathtub
- Goddamn spiders in the goddamn toilet
- Old tatami make me sneeze
- Zazen is boring. Boring. BORING.
I find that my legs aren't really the problem. After prolonged sitting, it is my lower back and shoulder blades that are sore. Not sure if that means I am doing it correctly and am out of shape, or I am sitting badly...or both?
Anyway my interest is, um, peaked, and so I will see if I can get setup with Patrick come January. No idea how it will go, but like Yoda says: "Do, or do not. There is no try."
zazen debut
Today I was asked to lead zazen and the talk afterwards. There were only three of us, and when I sat down and rang the bell to start I realized I had no way to tell the time. So I ran out of the zendo and grabbed by cell. Oops.
Anyway the 30 minutes flew by, mainly because I was stressing about the upcoming talk.
That ended up being no problem. We read part of Omori Sogen's "An Introduction to Zen Training" and had a lovely chat. Hope it wasn' too terrible for anyone!
Anyway the 30 minutes flew by, mainly because I was stressing about the upcoming talk.
That ended up being no problem. We read part of Omori Sogen's "An Introduction to Zen Training" and had a lovely chat. Hope it wasn' too terrible for anyone!
rock garden circle
Yoga Hippie has a video of us making a rock garden circle at the retreat this year.
He has lots of cool videos.
He has lots of cool videos.
honesty
Been thinking recently about the various problems people have with their training. Actually it's not so much a problem with the training, it's actually a problem with all the other stuff; life in general perhaps.
There are a couple of different theories that focus on most of the problems being Gosoke's fault. I agree that Gosoke is at the center of the issues, could even be called the cause or trigger, but he's not the one at fault.
One theory goes like this: Gosoke is too nice. He is too quick to promote people to a rank undeserved and too free to give out responsibility to those who cannot meet the requisite demands.
The other theory is, amusingly, the exact opposite: Gosoke is too harsh. He punishes for the slightest infraction of protocol, allows no second chance, expects perfection.
I tend to think both theories are correct. It comes down to the simple expectation that Gosoke has: he expects you to be honest; to do what you say will do, to be responsible for your words and actions.
I don't think it's possible for anyone to be honest with others without first being honest with himself. This means possibly admitting that you cannot do what is asked of you. It's much more sincere and downright impressive to honestly say you cannot do what is asked of you than to say that you can and then get it done half-assed and late.
A big part of Japanese society is "effort". Trying hard is important, oftentimes regardless of the outcome. You work 14 hours a day every day for 15 years, you deserve a promotion and a fat pension. Never mind how much value you actually added to the company. I remember when I first came to Japan and was amazed at the school graduation ceremony. Students got top awards not for academic achievement but for attendance, for not missing one day of school, never mind how much they actually studied nor how well they scored.
I have a hard time believing this is an old tradition in Japan. Back in the day I imagine you were expected to do what you said, and trying was lovely but if you didn't deliver you were probably told to split your stomach to atone for your failure.
Some people these days seem to think that if they promise to do something, pull three all-nighters in a row and finally deliver half of what they said they would, they somehow deserve praise for such an heroic effort. Gosoke doesn't believe that doing what you say you will do is heroic or even praise-worthy. It's merely expected. And not doing what you say is dishonest. Far better to be honest about doing nothing well than be dishonest about doing something badly.
So Gosoke has no problem with people who want to get rank, take responsibility, and work hard. And the more you say you will do, the more he expects you to actually deliver. Therefore, the farther you have to fall when you cannot deliver. The problem is not that someone didn't deserve that rank or that position, it is that they failed to live up to it.
Gosoke likes to push people out of their comfort zone and demand that they constantly strive to get better and achieve more. People mistake promotion for praise. Gosoke doesn't promote you because he thinks you deserve that rank, he wants to put pressure on you to step up to that rank by forcing you to face the fact that you're not deserving of the rank you have. But alot of people get the order confused; they think that since they are now promoted, they somehow deserve some respect or praise or something. They feel entitled, not under pressure to grow.
There is often this fundamental mismatch between what people expect and what they deserve; how the world is and how they think it is, or how they think it should be.
Amazing how it comes back to the basic zen principle of truth. The name Mugai is taken from the first line of a poem that starts "there is nothing but the one truth."
Being honest with yourself is first recognizing the truth, of yourself and your situation. Your abilities and your limitations, what you can do and what you cannot. If you are honest with yourself then it's easy to be honest with others, and people will recognize your honesty, sincerity, and humility.
There are a couple of different theories that focus on most of the problems being Gosoke's fault. I agree that Gosoke is at the center of the issues, could even be called the cause or trigger, but he's not the one at fault.
One theory goes like this: Gosoke is too nice. He is too quick to promote people to a rank undeserved and too free to give out responsibility to those who cannot meet the requisite demands.
The other theory is, amusingly, the exact opposite: Gosoke is too harsh. He punishes for the slightest infraction of protocol, allows no second chance, expects perfection.
I tend to think both theories are correct. It comes down to the simple expectation that Gosoke has: he expects you to be honest; to do what you say will do, to be responsible for your words and actions.
I don't think it's possible for anyone to be honest with others without first being honest with himself. This means possibly admitting that you cannot do what is asked of you. It's much more sincere and downright impressive to honestly say you cannot do what is asked of you than to say that you can and then get it done half-assed and late.
A big part of Japanese society is "effort". Trying hard is important, oftentimes regardless of the outcome. You work 14 hours a day every day for 15 years, you deserve a promotion and a fat pension. Never mind how much value you actually added to the company. I remember when I first came to Japan and was amazed at the school graduation ceremony. Students got top awards not for academic achievement but for attendance, for not missing one day of school, never mind how much they actually studied nor how well they scored.
I have a hard time believing this is an old tradition in Japan. Back in the day I imagine you were expected to do what you said, and trying was lovely but if you didn't deliver you were probably told to split your stomach to atone for your failure.
Some people these days seem to think that if they promise to do something, pull three all-nighters in a row and finally deliver half of what they said they would, they somehow deserve praise for such an heroic effort. Gosoke doesn't believe that doing what you say you will do is heroic or even praise-worthy. It's merely expected. And not doing what you say is dishonest. Far better to be honest about doing nothing well than be dishonest about doing something badly.
So Gosoke has no problem with people who want to get rank, take responsibility, and work hard. And the more you say you will do, the more he expects you to actually deliver. Therefore, the farther you have to fall when you cannot deliver. The problem is not that someone didn't deserve that rank or that position, it is that they failed to live up to it.
Gosoke likes to push people out of their comfort zone and demand that they constantly strive to get better and achieve more. People mistake promotion for praise. Gosoke doesn't promote you because he thinks you deserve that rank, he wants to put pressure on you to step up to that rank by forcing you to face the fact that you're not deserving of the rank you have. But alot of people get the order confused; they think that since they are now promoted, they somehow deserve some respect or praise or something. They feel entitled, not under pressure to grow.
There is often this fundamental mismatch between what people expect and what they deserve; how the world is and how they think it is, or how they think it should be.
Amazing how it comes back to the basic zen principle of truth. The name Mugai is taken from the first line of a poem that starts "there is nothing but the one truth."
Being honest with yourself is first recognizing the truth, of yourself and your situation. Your abilities and your limitations, what you can do and what you cannot. If you are honest with yourself then it's easy to be honest with others, and people will recognize your honesty, sincerity, and humility.
15 minutes
One of the guys at the retreat this year was an AP reporter. His story is now all over the place and the photo used looks familiar.
the asswipe chronicles
So Brad wrote about this guy who left the retreat early without even telling anyone: asswipe.
The guy gets into a back-n-forth with Brad via email, and Brad writes about him again.
Seems Mr.Wipe is also posting to a thread on BigDaikon where they take Brad apart.
I find this whole thing amusing on so many levels.
First there's just the basic joy of the teh internets, where shredding people is a sport honed to a fine art and everyone's an expert.
Second is the whole expectation vs. reality argument, and I should know because I'm the disciple in the video they discuss. I guess it was one of those you-had-to-be-there experiences. We didn't really practice at all, and Brad had never done a precepts ceremony before, and like I said before it's really quite boring. So we bumbled through it. I guess it "should" have been more sacred and humble and servile and holy and serious so that it meets everyone's expectations about what a "real" Buddhist ceremony is...or something, who knows.
I guess Brad should shave his head, too, and end all his emails with "In Sangha" or "Gassho" or "Asala malekum" or something too.
Third is the Big Question About Zazen: what is "real" Buddhism? Brad has as pretty clear idea, which he got from Nishijima-sensei. Other Buddhist and so-called Buddhists have other ideas. Soto vs. Rinzai. Tibetan vs. Korean. Blah vs. blah.
Bottom line is: you come to a Dogen Sangha retreat, you should expect to do it Dogen Sangha's way.
Forth and final is the general asswipiness of the situation. And I quote:
And that is easily the most fundamentally asswipe thing he did. The year before there were a couple of participants who had misgivings about participating and they had a long chat with Brad and finally decided not to stay until the end. Courteous, honest, and manageable. This guy just walked out and didn't even tell his friend.
So for anyone thinking about coming on the retreat sometime, here's a hint: there is one way to do it: Dogen Sangha's way. It is not a vacation. You are an active participant, and not fulfilling your basic responsibilities (cleaning, meal service, set up, etc.) is just a basic asswipe thing to do.
But what do I know? I'm just a mindless Brad worshiper after all!
The guy gets into a back-n-forth with Brad via email, and Brad writes about him again.
Seems Mr.Wipe is also posting to a thread on BigDaikon where they take Brad apart.
I find this whole thing amusing on so many levels.
First there's just the basic joy of the teh internets, where shredding people is a sport honed to a fine art and everyone's an expert.
Second is the whole expectation vs. reality argument, and I should know because I'm the disciple in the video they discuss. I guess it was one of those you-had-to-be-there experiences. We didn't really practice at all, and Brad had never done a precepts ceremony before, and like I said before it's really quite boring. So we bumbled through it. I guess it "should" have been more sacred and humble and servile and holy and serious so that it meets everyone's expectations about what a "real" Buddhist ceremony is...or something, who knows.
I guess Brad should shave his head, too, and end all his emails with "In Sangha" or "Gassho" or "Asala malekum" or something too.
Third is the Big Question About Zazen: what is "real" Buddhism? Brad has as pretty clear idea, which he got from Nishijima-sensei. Other Buddhist and so-called Buddhists have other ideas. Soto vs. Rinzai. Tibetan vs. Korean. Blah vs. blah.
Bottom line is: you come to a Dogen Sangha retreat, you should expect to do it Dogen Sangha's way.
Forth and final is the general asswipiness of the situation. And I quote:
"And then there was me, the Philosopher King, who was invited by a friend. I didn't have any expectations going into the event. I just wanted to take a holiday, travel and profit from the experience. I did all three."Not sure why anyone would think a zazen retreat is a holiday, but whatever I am honestly glad he profited from the experience, got his holiday and did his travelling. I certainly do NOT think Mr.Wipe had no expectations. In fact he could have confronted his expectations if he spent some more time sitting staring at the wall, alone with his thoughts. But that didn't happen, because by the time I showed up, he had already taken off.
And that is easily the most fundamentally asswipe thing he did. The year before there were a couple of participants who had misgivings about participating and they had a long chat with Brad and finally decided not to stay until the end. Courteous, honest, and manageable. This guy just walked out and didn't even tell his friend.
So for anyone thinking about coming on the retreat sometime, here's a hint: there is one way to do it: Dogen Sangha's way. It is not a vacation. You are an active participant, and not fulfilling your basic responsibilities (cleaning, meal service, set up, etc.) is just a basic asswipe thing to do.
But what do I know? I'm just a mindless Brad worshiper after all!
i am brad warner's brain-washed zen drone
DSCN6824-s
Originally uploaded by renfield.
Brad loves this photo, for obvious reasons. This and other photos are now available from my jukai ceremony.
There is also a video. But this is just the end of the ceremony, it doesn't show the part where Brad goes "Do not live by selling liquor...didn't even know her!"
Also note that we are so amazingly serene, holy, enlightened beings we had to...use the script. Because Brad had never done the ceremony before and I'd only seen it once.
retreat...finally
So after much flood-induced anguish I finally made it up to the retreat.
The long and the short of it: it was loverly. Did me a whole bunch of sitting. Even busted out some more yoga with The Man himself, which helped get my sore back through some of the longer sessions.
Oh yeah, and now I am officially a lobster-bib-wearing layman monk named Renkoku Dōei, so bow down to my serenity or I'll totally muck up your karma, peasant.
Quote of the weekend goes to Brad for telling me, after whining about 3 straight hours of zazen, that I need to "man up." After some moderate consultation we decided that in order to be non-exclusionary the phrase should actually be "bodhi up", though that smells dangerously close to using the word "dharma" like an adjective, which is just universally lame. ("Universally!" Get it? *Snarf!*)
So in the end I did a bunch of meal services, we started with 22 people and finished with something like 16 (including one dude who just up and left...obviously he needed to bodhi up some.) We did a bunch of sitting, I helped clean the rock garden, and oh yeah we did the comedy version of the Precepts Ceremony. I guess it's really supposed to be a fairly solemn and serious event, but with Brad at the helm, all bets were off.
Actually, the ceremony is really boring; besides the fact that I had to prostrate myself (in the Buddhist sense, so don't get any clever ideas) to Brad far too many times, it's just really repetitive because we repeat everything three times. Brad states the precept (don't lie, don't steal, don't desire too much, don't kill unnecessarily, etc.) and then asks me if I can keep it until I die and I answer "Yes I can" and we repeat three times for each one. We were doing ok until Brad goes "Don't live by selling liquor(...I don't even KNOW her...)" and then it was third graders playing Zen. Lots of fun and a good tension release in middle of a 30 minute ceremony that's generally alot more boring, I suspect. Wouldn't have been Dogen Sangha without the goofing off I think. And the fact that we were both attempting to hold onto our scripts and follow along whilst doing all the various bowing, prostrating, incense lighting, etc.
In all it went well and next year I'll be in a better position to organize the whole retreat a bit better (and hopefully won't have to deal with a flooding apartment as well.)
The long and the short of it: it was loverly. Did me a whole bunch of sitting. Even busted out some more yoga with The Man himself, which helped get my sore back through some of the longer sessions.
Oh yeah, and now I am officially a lobster-bib-wearing layman monk named Renkoku Dōei, so bow down to my serenity or I'll totally muck up your karma, peasant.
Quote of the weekend goes to Brad for telling me, after whining about 3 straight hours of zazen, that I need to "man up." After some moderate consultation we decided that in order to be non-exclusionary the phrase should actually be "bodhi up", though that smells dangerously close to using the word "dharma" like an adjective, which is just universally lame. ("Universally!" Get it? *Snarf!*)
So in the end I did a bunch of meal services, we started with 22 people and finished with something like 16 (including one dude who just up and left...obviously he needed to bodhi up some.) We did a bunch of sitting, I helped clean the rock garden, and oh yeah we did the comedy version of the Precepts Ceremony. I guess it's really supposed to be a fairly solemn and serious event, but with Brad at the helm, all bets were off.
Actually, the ceremony is really boring; besides the fact that I had to prostrate myself (in the Buddhist sense, so don't get any clever ideas) to Brad far too many times, it's just really repetitive because we repeat everything three times. Brad states the precept (don't lie, don't steal, don't desire too much, don't kill unnecessarily, etc.) and then asks me if I can keep it until I die and I answer "Yes I can" and we repeat three times for each one. We were doing ok until Brad goes "Don't live by selling liquor(...I don't even KNOW her...)" and then it was third graders playing Zen. Lots of fun and a good tension release in middle of a 30 minute ceremony that's generally alot more boring, I suspect. Wouldn't have been Dogen Sangha without the goofing off I think. And the fact that we were both attempting to hold onto our scripts and follow along whilst doing all the various bowing, prostrating, incense lighting, etc.
In all it went well and next year I'll be in a better position to organize the whole retreat a bit better (and hopefully won't have to deal with a flooding apartment as well.)
nishijima sensei
This morning I went to see Nishijima-sensei to consult with him about taking the precepts. He decided that my Buddhist name will be Renkoku Mudo = "lotus valley, no path" and he will write my rakusu for me.
I will most likely do the precepts ceremony at the end of our yearly retreat, thus ensuring the salvation of my everlasting soul...or whatever.
I will most likely do the precepts ceremony at the end of our yearly retreat, thus ensuring the salvation of my everlasting soul...or whatever.
veggie indian
veggie indian
Originally uploaded by renfield.
Met Grand Poobah of Enlightenment and Genuine Sentient Brad and his posse of minions doing his bidding (well OK his wife Yuka and his psuedo-minion Bret) at Nataraj in Ogikubo for some killer veggie Indian food.
livin' the values
Today after the regular zazen sitting, we did the jukai ceremony for a student visiting from Sweden. Jukai is the ceremony of receiving the Buddhist Precepts and marks the formal beginning of one's start as a Buddhist layman.
The precepts were originally the rules for the community of Buddha's original followers. Whenever you have a group of people living together, there will always be issues, disputes, and problems. Rules help keep the society running smoothly.
At one time there were hundreds of rules, but they have basically been pared down to the main 16.
First are the Three Devotions:
During the ceremony you do a bunch of prostrations and repeat a bunch of stuff three times, and then finally you receive your rakusu and your Buddhist name and a copy of the Buddhist lineage from Buddha down through all his disciples, with your name written in last.
Nishijima-sensei made an appearance and he really is a pleasant little guy. Whole thing took about 40 minutes, but add an hour to that to fold up all the robes and put away the alter table and other apparatus.
Buddhism is the ultimate self-help methodology; it's all up to you. There are others to guide and help you, but ultimately you sit on your cushion every day and it's you and your thoughts and your life. It's your responsibility to deal with your own issues and live as you choose. Some people choose to hide from reality through alcohol or drugs or television. Some people make everything someone else's fault; mean boss, uncaring parents, uncaring society. Certainly there are people in the world who aren't helping you, and there's nothing you can do about them. You can, however, do something about how you live your own life.
Someone asked me "how can you be so positive all the time?" which I thought was a silly observation, since I don't think I'm a happy, bubbly optimist. I am a realist though; I know what I can and cannot do. I get upset when things don't go my way or when someone isn't helping, and then I do what I can about it; I get my job done, I cover for the other person, I try to make it right. Not because I'm the hero or want all the praise or because I'm always the smartest but because that's the right thing to do.
And if it's say something at work, I do my job and when I'm done I go home and play with my daughter or go into the dojo or sit in zazen or look at stupid crap on the internet.
It's my life, I can think it's miserable and everyone's out to get me, or I can make the best of it and deal with it and have as much fun as I can.
Zazen is just a way of forcing you to sit quietly, you and your thoughts, to realize that all the crap inside your head is just yours; no one stuck a syringe full of bad thoughts and jammed it into your brain. You put those thoughts into your head, you're the only one who can deal with them and take them out.
The precepts were originally the rules for the community of Buddha's original followers. Whenever you have a group of people living together, there will always be issues, disputes, and problems. Rules help keep the society running smoothly.
At one time there were hundreds of rules, but they have basically been pared down to the main 16.
First are the Three Devotions:
- Devotion to Buddha; the founder of Buddhism
- Devotion to Dharma; the Universe itself
- Devotion to Sangha; our companions in life
- Observance of rules; follow the rules of society
- Observance of morality; act appropriately in all situations -- act right
- Salvation of all living beings; we are all elements of the Universe
- Don't destroy life
- Don't steal
- Don't desire too much
- Don't lie
- Don't live by selling liquor
- Don't discuss failures of Buddhist priests and laymen
- Don't praise yourself or berate others
- Don't begrudge the sharing of Buddhist teachings and other things, but give them freely
- Don't become angry
- Don't abuse the three supreme values; Buddha Dharma, and Sangha.
During the ceremony you do a bunch of prostrations and repeat a bunch of stuff three times, and then finally you receive your rakusu and your Buddhist name and a copy of the Buddhist lineage from Buddha down through all his disciples, with your name written in last.
Nishijima-sensei made an appearance and he really is a pleasant little guy. Whole thing took about 40 minutes, but add an hour to that to fold up all the robes and put away the alter table and other apparatus.
Buddhism is the ultimate self-help methodology; it's all up to you. There are others to guide and help you, but ultimately you sit on your cushion every day and it's you and your thoughts and your life. It's your responsibility to deal with your own issues and live as you choose. Some people choose to hide from reality through alcohol or drugs or television. Some people make everything someone else's fault; mean boss, uncaring parents, uncaring society. Certainly there are people in the world who aren't helping you, and there's nothing you can do about them. You can, however, do something about how you live your own life.
Someone asked me "how can you be so positive all the time?" which I thought was a silly observation, since I don't think I'm a happy, bubbly optimist. I am a realist though; I know what I can and cannot do. I get upset when things don't go my way or when someone isn't helping, and then I do what I can about it; I get my job done, I cover for the other person, I try to make it right. Not because I'm the hero or want all the praise or because I'm always the smartest but because that's the right thing to do.
And if it's say something at work, I do my job and when I'm done I go home and play with my daughter or go into the dojo or sit in zazen or look at stupid crap on the internet.
It's my life, I can think it's miserable and everyone's out to get me, or I can make the best of it and deal with it and have as much fun as I can.
Zazen is just a way of forcing you to sit quietly, you and your thoughts, to realize that all the crap inside your head is just yours; no one stuck a syringe full of bad thoughts and jammed it into your brain. You put those thoughts into your head, you're the only one who can deal with them and take them out.
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